Potential careers for my kids

What did you want to be when you grew up? Clearly, my plans of being a lawyer by day, prosecuting multinationals for environmental damage, and a Tony award-winning actress by night fell by the wayside.

My guidance counsellor at school administered tests which repeatedly delivered a result of either a copywriter or a teacher, both of which I’ve done. Some things seem inevitable.

And looking at my kids, I think I can make a decent stab at what they might consider as potential careers.

Close hand magician
I carefully wipe G Minor’s hands, face and neck at the table after breakfast. Then again at the sink when I take her bib off. Then again when we go upstairs for a nap. But come mid morning, there are still bits of cereal and soggy banana shaking loose. Where does she hide it?

Writer for Hollyoaks
G Major is a great one for melodrama. She can eke out a minor injury over several days, more if it required the application of a plaster, and any slight, real or imagined, will be dragged up weeks later and presented accusingly.

 Molecular gastronomist
Heston’s test kitchen has nothing on G Minor’s tray table. And snacks eaten on the go take on the fine nuances of wine tastings, with delightful notes of dust, fireplace ash, cat fur and her sisters’ shoes.

US senator
No one filibusters like G Major. Wendy Davis delivered an epic 11 hour filibuster in 2013 to break an abortion bill. But that was nothing compared to the other night, when Big G made the mistake of getting home before bedtime and was subjected to an endless stream of questions, stories and requests to delay the inevitable. (Sucker.)

Sewerage inspector
I think this goes for most children, to be honest. There’s an endless fascination with poo – how big, how smelly, any accompanying farting; to the point where they’re crying outside the bathroom door because you won’t them come in for a look.

Middle manager
“What are you doing?” “When will you be finished?” “Can you do it any faster?” “I’ve changed my mind.” “Remember three weeks ago when you said…” “What about if we do it this way?”

I have high hopes.

What careers are your kids showing an aptitude for?