Things to talk about instead of the referendum

I was at a dinner party on Saturday and the conversation turned to Thursday’s referendum.

A little wine had been drunk and everyone concerned likes a bit of a barney (not me, you’ll be amazed to hear), plus the participants genuinely felt strongly about the issues. Which is great to see – I’d much rather witness an impassioned dinner party tirade than dull apathy.

But it did get a bit lairy. It seems people are getting properly worked up about this. Fancy that.

So if you’re trying to avoid this most divisive of topics, here’s a helpful list of ten things that might generate less of a reaction among your dinner party guests than Brexit, and result in fewer uncomfortable silences.

  1. A gross medical issue 
    Got something fungal? Show it round!
  2. Ear piercing on small children 
    Don’t make any exceptions for cultural or religious tradition
  3. Your salary 
    Especially if it’s the highest. Level up by asking outright how much your hosts’s house is worth
  4. The poor behaviour of someone else’s kid
    Be sure your fellow guests know what a poor job they are doing at parenting
  5. The Palestinian right to self-determination
    Pick a side! No, not that one! Use the word ‘terrorist’ a lot
  6. Breastfeeding/bottle feeding 
    Just be sure to judge whatever your fellow guests did. Bonus points for sexualising breasts, referencing obesity or intelligence, or using the word ‘attachment’
  7. Religion
    Wind up any evangelicals with your support for gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose. Or tell the athiests they are going to hell.
  8. The Royal family
    Beloved institution or outdated system which perpetuates the class divide? Viva la republic!
  9. Sex
    Try to include specifics. Comparisons between your current partner and past partners are also welcome.
  10. Homeopathy
    Pour a glass of water for any true believers and warn them not to overdose

Happy voting, everyone!