Ah, holidays. Time to relax and unwind. Get away from demanding colleagues, the seat hog on your commute, that weird sweaty guy at the gym. Just a lovely week of you and you family.
Except there are always other people, aren’t there. At the airport, on your flight, at the resort, right next to you on an otherwise empty beach. And they’re all freaks.
Be afraid – this lovely lot will be coming to a sunny destination near you soon.
The performance parent
What’s that? Little Sophie is doing tiger arms? And blowing bubbles? Wow! So great that we can all hear her mum bellowing updates across the pool. Endless narration at top volume definitely = best parent ever.
This guy wears a long sleeved UV top, legionnaires cap, wrap around sunglasses and greases himself up every 15 mins while sitting under his umbrella. I mean, no one wants skin cancer, but maybe Turkey in August is not the holiday for you, dude.
The nervous woman
No one needs a holiday more than this woman. But instead of sitting quietly on a sun longer with a cocktail and a book, she’s endlessly up and down, flapping around her kids, angrily doing early morning yoga, fussing with towels and food and clothes, bustling back and forth to the buffet for joyless wholemeal rolls and weak tea, haranguing her husband into booking a boat tour. SIT. DOWN.
The dutiful son
Middle aged, post divorce. Thought he’d do the right thing by bringing his mum along for a week to reduce costs and give her a trip away. But now she’s complaining about the heat, and he can’t eye up the women around the pool in peace. He spends a lot of time in the pool with his head under water.
The drunk parents
Clearly I’m not judging any parents who raise a toast to kids club with a beer at 10am. I mean, I couldn’t parent without booze. I’m talking about the parents on the wrong side of pissed by midday, semi conscious by the bar as their kids, unsupervised by the pool with a full nappy, burn to a crisp.
The pervy dude
Usually with his wife, not that that stops him. Leering at the teens on the beach, standing a bit close at the buffet, staring at the aerobics class, harassing the bar staff. Inevitably has a giant belly.
The racist grandma
Lovely old lady, helping out with childcare. And loudly decrying the ‘foreign muck’ being served at meals, making gross generalizations about the sexual proclivities of the local women and accusing the cleaning staff of theft.
The horrendous teen
Too old for kids club, too young to pay for their own bloody holiday. Jaw-droppingly rude to parents, cruel to younger siblings, sulky and entitled. Needs a proper slap.
The plane shitter
What is with these people? Who thinks that a short haul flight on a packed plane with only one loo is the best time to to have a massive dump? As soon as the seatbelt sign is turned off, off he goes. You’ve had two hours at the airport, mate – do it there.
Distant work contact
Someone from another office location, or that you met on a course, or who worked with your brother. You’re obliged to acknowledge them every time you see them, which is all the time, and you’ll have to have at least one evening at the bar with them. Their partner will inevitably be a wine snob.
I sincerely hope you have a lovely holiday. But I’d suggest using the loo before you get on the plane, taking giant sunglasses and a hat to serve as a disguise and wearing headphones. And remember, if you can’t identify the holiday weirdo, it’s probably you. Happy holidays!
LATE ENTRY: I had this post drafted and ready to publish when who should appear at breakfast but a friend of my ex. That’s just super. At least his kids are ugly.